“And By the Way… “F’ You Very Much!”


I have learned much about myself in the last two years. Most of my lessons have been born of fire. Life has presented moments of triumph and adversity. Yet, for some odd reason, there has been a bumper crop of crazy infiltrating my wascally world. For I have been on a roll with the onslaught of unsavory peeps that have permeated my life as of late. Yet, with each special pond scum that smarmed their way in, there has been wisdom imparted, and I have grown in both knowledge and character — and my voodoo doll collection has also surged in both numbers and activity. I have come in contact with lunatics, criminals, liars, posers, fakes, thieves, and hypocrites. And for some of them…those were their redeeming factors.

ImageI have learned about what sort of person I am, who I want to be, what I will tolerate, what is a deal-breaker, and generally, how to spot those that have insidious intentions. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck — then fuck that duck and pour some orange sauce over it! But with all the quacking that has been going on, I am grateful. Being pissed off is a great catalyst for change. I thank each and every dickwad that lied to my face, screwed me over, used and abused my talent, owes me money, and made my life a living hell. At the end of the day, I have turned a douche bag into a silk purse…and I’m pretty smug about that fashion statement.


I’m sure that someday, Hallmark will make the perfect greeting card line just for those sucky ones that tend to bob and weave throughout my life. And the greetings will go something like “Glad to hear you are in jail — so happy about your new BIG HOUSE!” Or maybe, another greeting will go “Rose are red, so is your fat face now that everyone knows what a loser you are.” And there’s the always appropriate “Thinking of you in this time of Eff You.”


Would I change the tantric turns my life has taken? Hell, no. Scar tissue is stronger and harder to penetrate. But on the flip side, I have become dear friends with some of the finest human beings that gene pools ever produced and met some individuals that have greatly enriched my life and made me a better person. Life is funny that way. It’s like a game of cards — you pick from the pile and hope you can utilize what you draw.

Everybody handles their “game” differently. Some will get lucky and their cards align right by pure chance, so they proceed to rub their opponent’s face in their loss and talk smack — only to lose every subsequent hand. Others bide their time and are quiet about their shit and master their “poker face” and keep everyone guessing. And then, there are some that even let the other person think they’ve won and lure their opponent into a false sense of security…then kick their ass. Yes, anyone can get lucky every now and then, but at the end of the day, it is skill and strategy that stack the deck. For some odd reason, I find myself humming the tune “The Gambler”. Anyway…

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So to sum this little dissertation up…what have I learned? I’ve learned to allow room in my budget for voodoo dolls and plan on this as an operating expense. However, Uncle Sam does not hold the same view.


I learned to keep my ducks in a row–and that they are much easier to manage when they are roasted with orange sauce drizzled liberally over their carcasses.


That if my daytime gig should fail, I do have a rosy future in developing the Hallmark “You Are Dead to Me” Collection.


And finally, that when I’m engaged in a rip-roaring card game…to never, never, never refer to the clubs as “little puppy toes”–for you lose all street cred.


And regarding the slime that has oozed its way into my life as of late? I always say “The best revenge is living well”.  That, and those anonymous calls to the Attorney General, Crime Stoppers, and the IRS.


Wait–I feel a greeting card coming on…

 “Have a sunshiny day, muthafucker!”






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