“Public Service Announcement For Men…How to Post a Pic on a Dating Site and Increase the Probability of Actually Getting Laid”

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I will freely admit that I have dipped a toe in the cesspool that is online dating. And it has been a wonderful voyage to the bottom of the sea of the male human psyche. I can’t speak for the female offerings on said sites for I don’t swim in the lady pond, but in the interest of fairness, I will acknowledge that the gals, I’m sure, are serving up their own heapin’ helpin’ of crazy. Now back to the man-bashing…

Fellas, I’d like to do a public service announcement for you guys who just can’t seem to “connect” on any of those “high-brow” sites like OK Cupid, Date HookUp, or that wonderful source of intellectuals, Plenty of Fish—GET A WOMAN TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE. Who better can objectively produce a panty-dropping photo? This is the answer to ACTUALLY getting laid and not just viewing our pictures, wacking-off, and retiring to a rancid sofa for an evening of “Flipper” reruns with a Bud Lite. And speaking of “Flipper”…

In your profile pics, we don’t want to see your fish. And that is not a euphemism for anything resembling a body part. For the life of me, I can’t understand the thought process here. Maybe to another GUY, a whole line-up of the “catch of the day” will cause a “stirring”…but for us? Not so much. I can assure you we don’t think “Hmmm, he has no job, reads comic books in his spare time, and lives with his mama…but hey—he can sure rustle up some bass! What time should I be ready?”

Additionally, we also understand the necessity of a car and can appreciate the work you put in on your particular beast. But we don’t need to see 25 different angles of your bucket of bolts. We “get” it…btw…does it actually RUN or are you like the last 5 guys that hit us up, who’s car is in the shop and want us to drive? Oh, and we HATE Corvettes. They scream that you are over-compensating for something…probably in your penis region.

And now, to the actual photo shoot that includes YOU and not dead fish or an inanimate object that is probably inanimate…get your WHOLE HEAD in the shot…not just an eye, or half of a face, or from the forehead down in an effort to cover up your baldness.  As a side note, some women LOVE bald and I am one of them–and have a sexy “bald as a newborn babe” man in my life that gets laid regularly. A bald head is quite phallic and reminds us of your wiener. Just sayin’…

And please don’t “smolder” in your picture…you look stupid and like a fucktard. Resist that urge for it will be misinterpreted for constipation or neurological damage.

And, FYI, we also realize that a woman has been cut out of your picture. Our eagle-eyes spot the manicured hand with the wedding ring curling around your waist…and we know that someday, we TOO can be on your cutting-room floor. Or even worse yet, that she is, in fact, your current wife and you are a big, fat, cheating loser who should die. This will not get you a date either, just so you know.

And I will never understand the phenomenon that you feel that if you don’t like what you see, you must drop everything to immediately contact us to tell us how unworthy we are of your “good thang” and write an essay on why we should feel shame for occupying the same planet and breathing your air. For some reason, you think it’s a Smorgasbord of ladies who are “ripe for your pluckin” and feel it great sport to pick apart body parts in women’s pics and that it’s appropriate to actually alert us regarding our already fragile body images. One Silver-tongued devil actually said to me…”You are pretty, but you would be a knockout if you lost 20 pounds.” Be assured that comments like that will not get you laid. And yet, YOU obviously haven’t looked in the mirror lately. You are a 50 year old dude with a beer gut who hasn’t shaved in 6 months that thinks he deserves a supermodel. Just because we are there in a picture doesn’t mean you can have “that”. While you might not want to bed us, date us, or marry us, it’s like TV…simply change the channel. We’ll get over our loss. This is not to be confused with the comments that I am making today which are meant as constructive and to inspire and teach. I would never DREAM of actually contacting a man and telling him how ridic his photo is. I have better things to do…like call my girlfriends and look him up and have a great chuckle together, without purposefully scarring his male ego. My mother raised me right–to not hurt people’s feelings to their face. Instead talk about them behind their backs so they don’t know how you feel and are ignorant to your opinion…everybody wins. But I digress…

And finally, I loved it when you take that proverbial pic in the bathroom with the cell phone nekked from the waist up. Not pretty. We really don’t want to meet you after that image. I guess men think that if they flash their torso we’ll be whipped into a frenzy of lust and have to “get us some of that”…and they would be WRONG. And then there are the 20 year olds that like to hit us up…usually saying that wonderful ice-breaker “sup?” They are also usually shirtless with aforementioned cell phone in hand in their pics as well. I told them “Stand up straight, put a shirt on, go wash your hands and get a job…son.” That comment usually douses the flames of desire in their only slightly post pubescent loins and the visions of Sugar Mamas that dance in their heads.

And there you have it…REMINDING you that this is from a woman’s perspective and to be utilized as a teaching tool for success in your “hook up” dreams. Now you menfolk, I do know what you are thinking–”Oh yeah, sure, but what about the things you ladies do!” As previously stated, I don’t play on that team so of course, I don’t know…but can only imagine. I write about my life, as I see it, no holes are barred, and I take no prisoners. You’ll never have to guess what I am thinking, for sure. However, this is not the case where most women are concerned. I’ll give you an example. An often heard conversational interlude between man and woman goes something like this…

Man: “What did I do to make you angry?”

Woman: “Oh, YOU know!”

Ladies, they DON’T know unless you are specific. Their brains are filled with sex, fish, and automobiles and they are VERY busy. Tell them that you didn’t appreciate them leaving the toilet seat up and then banging your sister.

Men, do you walk away feeling any more enlightened after this convo? Absofuckinlutely not! You have no clue. I am of the school of thought to just hit you over the head with a heavy object, get it over with, and move on to the ER. Wouldn’t you appreciate that more? Sometimes a concussion is less painful than trying to figure out what women are thinking.

And now you know from a woman’s perspective WHAT WE ARE THINKING when we see your pic on your dating profile. So go ahead–call your closest lady-friend whose bones you don’t want to jump (or wait until AFTER the photo session…never during…we don’t want to see that either) and have HER take your pic to optimize your chances with the mingling singles.

And in closing, I’d like to say “Thank you, Mr. Nobel, for awarding me this Peace Prize in the category of The War Between Men and Women, subcategory, The Eradication of Douchie-ness in the Promotion of Photo Excellence for all of Mankind.”

My pageant-mates will be soooo proud of me—a beauty queen that actually knows something about World Peace!

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One thought on ““Public Service Announcement For Men…How to Post a Pic on a Dating Site and Increase the Probability of Actually Getting Laid”

  1. Would only that life were so logical, the sort of men about whom this excellent was written- were literate enough to read and heed.

    Alas, these men are life support systems for a wet rectum. When they came into this world, the OB/GYN raced around the gurney -and slapped their mothers.

    If brains were gasoline/petrol, they wouldn’t sport the fumes to power a piss ant’s go-cart 1/32 around the inside of a Cheerio.

    Write ON, Kiki!

    Marc
    http://tinyurl.com/mvmguitarist

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